I sit here thanking God for my 12 year old son today. Today’s his birthday. As I thank God for him, quickly I also thank him that Cole wasn’t a miscarriage. Wow… that wasn’t what I expected from myself at 7 o’clock on a Saturday morning. While I am so thankful for Cole and his life, I don’t think of my miscarriage often. My only thought this morning was that between Jeremiah and Cole was my miscarriage. “Oh, God, thank You! I’m so thankful Cole was not a miscarriage! That he’s here. That I get to know him. That he’s real (alive).” Oh, Lord, thank You!”
My miscarriage… It was the most alone I have ever felt in life. No one was physically present with me, but no one could be emotionally with me either (although, I had some absolutely wonderful people in my life trying and willing to help me). It’s just no one could be “with me” there. Only Jesus. Truly only Jesus.
No one could release the remnants of that child. Only I could. I sat alone in the parking lot after receiving the news that the child growing within me was no longer living. I walked into the physician’s office alone to discard any remaining remnants of life that hadn’t passed naturally. Alone. That is how I felt. Absolutely alone.
I don’t know if you have ever felt alone. If you have, I would love to tell you about how my Lord showed up there with me that day. He didn’t leave me alone. Although, I went into this feeling it. He promises He will never us! He keeps His Word.
The moment the Doctor entered tears flowed. I couldn’t stop them. What was the point? My heart was grieving a child I would never know in this lifetime. In another, yes! Absolutely! But I was living here.
Tears flowing. The doctor says, “We just want to make sure everything had passed, and nothing remains.” Nothing but a broken heart. It was during that exam that Jesus stepped in. I don’t remember much (this was over 13 years ago). But I do remember as they pulled out what remained I felt Jesus. All I saw was a cleansing flood. Jesus healing my body when I wasn’t asking for that. My thoughts were focused on this child. My body was not on my radar, but I was on His. He already held my child. He already knew the outcome, the sorrow, and the pain. But He also knew what I needed to live, to have life for my husband and children that remain. I felt Jesus that day. He entered that exam room with me and never left me. That’s His promise. He will never leave you and never is for a really long time.